Wholeheartedly

Faith

So I know this blog is public. Pretty much any passerby can read it, whomever happens to stumble upon the link. So yeah, I get that. It's open to public. But I don't know why, I've always had trouble with people reading what I write. My poetry, my stories. It's not about belittling myself. I think everyone has their way of writing. 'Good' and 'great' are subjective. Just how beauty is. To each his own.

This quote never really leaves my line of thought. I repeat it in my head; to accept an opinion, to excuse one of their behaviors, anything of the like, really. To each his own. You can have an opinion. You should have an opinion. I, personally, enjoy conversing with an opinionated person. You always get something in return. They always keep you on your toes. No one already knows too much. No one can say they know everything.

As is my problem every time I write, I always go south from what I originally planned to write about. Well, steering back on course. Lately, I've been trying to share my writing with people. It started back in high school really, when my teacher Ms. Vas started parading off my essays to my colleagues. I was caught off-guard. I didn't know how to react. But after that, more people came to me, wanting to read my essays. So slowly, I started to warm up to the idea. It was sort of hard at first, agreeing to let people read my stuff. Again, it's not about being selfish. I don't know how to explain it really.

Writing has always been personal to me. It's like opening up to someone, without actually talking. I've always thought that I write better than I talk. If Sharifah Amani once made a controversial statement saying, "I sound stupid when I speak Malay." Then, my statement would be, "I sound stupid when I speak, period." I stutter when I speak, it's like my mouth was never trained for speaking purposes. I don't converse easily with people I just met. I find it difficult. I never know what to say. I stay so quiet, often to the point that people will say I'm arrogant. Quite the contrary, my mind is making one hell of a conversation all by itself.

In medical jargon for all you medical students out there, there's a problem in my arcuate fasciculus. It has trouble sending nerve impulses from the Wernicke's to the Broca's area, thus also the muscles of articulation. Was that enough jargon for you? Yeah, I bet, for me too.

For now though, I'm definitely still trying to warm up to it. I tried with just my housemates, I let them read what I wrote- which to be honest, are mostly written about them- just to see how'd they react. And now, I've submitted one of my poetry to a fanzine that the Malaysian students here created to promote reading and writing and stuff.

So I hope you understand if I don't feel like sharing (although I really am trying). It's not easy opening up to people like that. My poetry and writing are most probably my most personal things. They may not be much, but it definitely feels like giving you a portion of my organ. So here, I'm practically handing out a speck of tissue from my heart, to you.

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, by FNI

poetry

Haiku #2. I. Let. Go.

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, by FNI

poetry

Haiku for a friend

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, by FNI

A Tale

Do you know what made me fall for you? It may seem silly. It may seem petty. It was how relentless you were. How you never seemed to stop trying. I didn’t give you any hopes; I didn’t give you any reason to continue your pursuit. But you did anyway, you tried, you chased after me. That one text was all it took. You knew just the right words to say.

It was one-sided at first. You were doing all the wooing, and I, merely following along. It took awhile for me to be all in, to put my all in the relationship. But yet again, you did not give up.

You kept stringing me with your words. You kept stringing me with your music. Slowly, but surely, you kept pulling me in. Before I knew it, I was hooked.

For a while, we were on cloud nine. Getting to know each other, slowly, we became inseparable. I told you everything, and you listened intently. I could talk for hours and you would still listen. Saying all the right things in return. Laughing at all the right times. You were the only who was there for me when no one was. You were just what I needed. You were like a gift from god. You were my angel.

Sometime down the road, you drifted. Like a fallen leaf in a still pond. What made you change? Or did I change? Was I different from when you first met me? Or were you just beginning to see the real me? Did you not like what you were seeing? What made you change?

I tried to rekindle what we had. Rekindle the flame that once made us warm with comfort. It was too cold the way it was becoming. Too cold for me to bear that it got to a point where I was desperate to make it work. I needed to make it work. We needed to make it work. What we had was too special to let go. The way you made me feel was too different from what I’ve ever felt before.

Do you feel the same way? Do you feel the need to make it work like I do?

You began to push me away. Why? You chased me. Were you there just for the chase? Was it enough for you that you had me? Were you there just for the thrill of the chase? Your withdrawal couldn’t help but made me wonder. Your withdrawal couldn’t help but made me wonder. All I wanted was you back. Come back. Would you just come back?

I lost you along the way. Although you said, we’d always be okay. You said we’d never go astray. Trust me, for you my love will always stay.

That last night, what I hoped would be a last bittersweet goodbye, turned into a bitter goodbye. Tears were shed. Your words, which once were full of sweet passion, turned into daggers. Every word was a stab to my heart. Did those words come from the same mouth that once sang sweet nothings in my ears? I smiled, hoping you’d still be the same. I wiped my tears. I smiled. I stayed silent and finally said my goodbye.

An hour left, a text was all I sent. Goodbye, I hope to see you again when I come back. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I did not expect a phone call. You called. You cried. Was that really you? The you I called last night? Or the you that chased me all those years ago? Was that a glimpse of the guy I fell for? Did you come back? Did you realize what you were doing to me and came back to your senses? I smiled, I consoled you. I smiled, knowing you were back.

My heart has faltered along the way. I hope we’ll be strong, for how long, I couldn’t say. All of these questions that has been burning in my mind. Now, I will let it be, I will let it take its own course. We’ll see how it turns out.

I lost you along the way. Although you said, we’d always be okay. You said we’d never go astray. Trust me, for you my love will always stay.

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, by FNI

Wholeheartedly

By His Grace

Giving Out

Haiku #2. I. Let. Go.

Haiku for a friend

A Tale

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