Wholeheartedly

I just wanna say
I like how things are
with us
how things are going
how it all falls right
into place
I don't have to look
for (you)
come just when
I need you to
right when I need
you to
like gravity
you feel my pull
when I think of
you
I don't know how you
feel, honestly,
I don't know how I
feel
I just like what this
is; what ever this is
how ever way this
turns out, I'm ok with it
let's see how it plays out.

As I sit at my desk, in this chilly Dublin weather -that in my two weeks here, I've constantly grumbled about though secretly love- I've decided to take a break from my attempts at poetry and write something else instead. Bear with me here as I haven't written in quite some time. If any of you happen to be regulars here, you would notice my few endless poetries about leaving and such. Or if any of you happen to personally know me, you would know then of the recent changes that has been made in the past year. In which case this post has been long overdue. I guess a big part of me procrastinating on writing this is mainly due to myself not fully grasping it either.

The big change here being referred to my move from studying in Egypt, where I was already a 3rd year student so close to entering my 4th, to studying in Ireland, in which case I'd have to start all over again from scratch. Literally all over again. It definitely wasn't an easy decision for me at all. It took me weeks if not months to consider all the pros and cons, the possibilities, the fear. I would say the fear got hold of me the most, influencing me so much that I was so close to turning the offer down. Ultimately, it was my parents that helped make the choice. Well to be honest, quite like how I ended up in Egypt in the first place, the final decision was really made by them, and I, simply just went with it. However, don't get me wrong, I did think about it long and hard, and for a while there, I was so caught up in it, that I wasn't concentrating on my then-current semester work. Eventually, almost as if it being a new year's resolution, if you will, the decision was made on that very day of the new year. And before I knew it, I was on the next plane back home. It definitely was a difficult process, what with all the farewells that had to be done, and all the packing -which I was never a big fan of by the way. I was caught off guard however, when in lieu of being ecstatic with the prospects of being in a place I've always dreamed off, I felt quite saddened by the whole thing. I couldn't quite believe it either that that sadness correlated with the love I developed towards the very place I never thought I would ever have feelings for.

What followed suit was 9 months of vacuousness, filled with people asking and saying to me, "What made you want to start all over again?", "Back to first year?", "Oh dear, sayangnya.", "Betul ke nak start balik?", "Three years gone just like that?" and many many more along those lines. Honestly, I was discouraged and fully questioned my own decision. Even considered going back to Egypt and sit for the end of semester examination. My mind was a wreck, basically. Here were the few things that kept running through my mind endlessly;

1. Where other medical students would have to study for 5/6 years, depending on where you're studying, I would have to study for 8 years. (In reality, the medical field is a field that requires you to study until the end of time anyway, but let's not get into that)
2. I would have to study everything all over again. Me being just an average student, if not subpar, I barely passed the first time round, and here I am having to do it all over again, in a much more difficult institute, mind you.
3. What if, god forbid, I failed once I'm there? Refer to (2).
4. What if I cannot cope with the system there? Again, refer to (2).

I guess by now you've figured out that most of my concerns gravitated towards no. (2).
But after endless prayers and pleas of guidance, I finally decided to shut out every negative comment I received, soaking in only the good ones. I reasoned with myself that the opportunity I got, was one of a kind and opportunities as such don't come rolling in every day. So, I seized it. I also recall a 12-year-old me, at one time, dreaming and fantasising of being enrolled into this very institute I am lucky enough to now call my college. If someone were to tell that 12-year-old she would be here one day, she would just be overcome with emotion. Also, don't people always say that experience is the best teacher? I've had my fair share of experience while I was in Egypt, and what I've got now, is the chance to gain even more. The bigger picture here being, allowing ourselves to learn more about life, about the world. I don't believe we should ever limit ourselves to what we find is commonplace.

This is a little unorganised, but now referring to no. (1); in the end, I realised that it did not matter how long it would take for me to graduate with a degree in my hand and a mortar board perched on my head. It should not matter that most of my friends will be graduating a year, some even two years before I do. Not that I haven't been bitter about it, I definitely have and still am sometimes. Especially when I hear people say, "5 more years?! Wow!" But, again I remind myself that this is not a profession that I can take lightly. (What profession is, by the way.) By choosing this profession in the first place, I had pretty much already decided to take the long route. There are no shortcuts in this field, as there are also none in life. To borrow a quote from a friend of mine, "It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to get to your destination, as long as you do get there." Pretty sure she quoted that from someone else too, probably Confucius, but I'm not too sure. I admitted to being subpar, so why not take the time to improve now, while I still can. There is no definite evidence that I would be better at what I do if I stayed in Egypt, neither is it definite if I study here. But there is that possibility, if I allowed it. You won't know how well you'll do until you've gone through it. I also wouldn't want to beat myself up in the future for not taking the opportunity and wondering all the "what ifs" that seem to always creep up on us and haunt us. Regret is never an option I would want to have.

I have an ambition, or a vision, if you will, in my head. As of now, I know what I want in the long run. It might change sometime in my clinical years, or it might not, I would never know. But for now, I have a goal. And if by my coming here widens the likelihood of that goal, of that dream, becoming a reality, then with open arms and an open mind, I embrace this opportunity and hope I can do it justice. Besides, why settle for comfort and familiarity when the world gives you more room to grow and be the best.

Photo cred: http://pilarzeta.tumblr.com/