My heart, my backbone, my life;
December 23, 2013
Time has robbed them (read: especially him) of their youth. I don't know for how long they'll be around. I don't know for how long I'll be able to see them next to me. So you should know, my main goal in life has really always been about making them smile. If by me jumping around like a monkey is what makes them smile and laugh, then like a monkey will I keep jumping until they tell me to stop. If my horrific singing is what keeps them clapping and listening, then like an out of tune piano will I keep playing my majors and minors.
I am where I am today, literally where I am today, because of him. Because of my need to see him smile. If by my being here is what it takes to make him smile, then throw me like a javelin, fling me like a discus, across the seven seas, across a thousand oceans, if that is what he wants, then that is where I'll be. With His will, that is where I'll be. I never fought, I never objected. I followed his wishes, and praises to the Almighty, things has gone ever so smoothly. I fell in love with the thing I never wanted to do. I fell in love with the very place I never thought I would. By making him smile, it has subsequently led me to be a better person.
I never want to see their faces without their smiles. I've seen it before, I never want to see it again. By my being here, I've seen what could possibly be, their widest smile to date. So if by being elsewhere can widen that smile, then with His will, that is where I'll be. Even if that means I will not be able to smile for a while, even if that means tears will have to be shed. If that is what it takes to make them happy, then I would gladly cry a whole river for them. I can never repay them for everything they've done for me. They gave me the world. So what could I possibly give back that would amount to the same that they've given me?
I guess I've known this fact in my heart all this while, but it took this last week of him in the hospital for me to fully grasp what it really meant. I want to see them smile until their last possible breath. If ever they frown, let me be the reason they smile again. I would never want them to frown because of me, I would never want them to cry because of me. If ever I would have to take credit, let it be for their smile. Let me be able to take all the credit for that. I've had the pleasure of seeing their eyes light up because of something I did. Something I found so minute, yet they were so proud of. That small sliver of pride they let slip. I cannot tell you how amazing it felt to be seen that way in their eyes.
So even if I have to cry my eyes out, even if I have to carry a huge load on my back, even if I have to go through all depths of hell again, if that means I get to see them smile, so be it. Even if I have to push aside what I want (again), so be it. You should know that I live to make these two people happy. To see that very same smile forever etched on their faces that have seen better days. So throw me like a javelin, fling me like a discus, across the seven seas, across a thousand oceans, if that is what he wants, then that is where I'll be. With the Almighty's will, that is where I'll be.
I miss you both, and may He accept your Umrah and your Du'as. Have a good one.
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